“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, the words to the ends of the world.” (Psalm 19:1-4)
I’ve prayed prayers before now. I’ve had prayers answered before now. Sometimes the answer is what I want and sometimes it’s what I need. I don’t doubt he hears me. But until recently, I’ve never seen an answer blow my mind into so much joy, tears, confusion, fear and hesitation. I’m tiptoeing around the answer to make sure it’s real. It’s one of those things I had to let go of. I had to stop asking and come up with something else to desire. It was a learning moment for me. I had to come out of myself and turn inward to ask for real change in me, not someone else. When I let go of my own glory, his very glory gripped me with a fierce hand and loving embrace. He began to rewrite who I am. He is showing me desires I can never come up with. He is showing me answers I can’t wrap my head around.
The years of stuffing the identity of my soul is catching up with me. It’s exploding inside me and I cannot contain it. When I wake I go through a mental list of my day and my soul confuses my daily tasks by kicking and screaming, “what about me?” I try to drown out the noise with as much coffee as I can and continue with my day. Taxi driver, lunch maker, booty wiper, and picker upper. I’m getting better at listening. Being still and letting the kicking and screaming pour out even when I’m tasking. Even when I’m driving words are swirling around me. Visions of a girl in a wilderness, embracing a loving God providing for her with the elements of nature and the songs of birds. (A book I started over 10 years ago.) When I’m cooking I’m rejoicing I have a king who whispers to me when I’m empty.
You see, answers are as complicated as requests. Complicated like deep wants. They come in many forms and the action of embracing them can be hard. I know God hears me because His answers are His, not mine.